someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
