but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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