you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
a search helicopter?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize