I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
