Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
