Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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