I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
