This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize