Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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