It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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