I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
