I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
