Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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