Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
