I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
In America we eat man semen.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
