if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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