I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
