btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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