If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
