i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
