I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
