I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
