Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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