You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
