Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
