i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize