I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
