Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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