you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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