Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
