I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
