I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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