so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
