I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize