I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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