When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
