actually, I'm a sock model
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
