3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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