It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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