is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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