Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
