He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
