I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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