I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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