Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
