I CAN MOONWALK!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
