Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
