speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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