oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
