Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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