the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
