Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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