I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
