i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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