I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
