if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
