my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
