just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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