you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
